I want a colonoscopy for Christmas, which Weird Al never sang but totally should have!

Hey, everyone! As you may recall (or as you may not know, if you don’t know me personally, which is a lot of you, so hi! Thanks for stopping by!),

I work part-time for a transcription company, where I create audio tests for new transcribers. Thought you might get a kick out of reading a modified version of my latest test, which, not-so-coincidentally, dovetails with my upcoming, er, procedure!

Here goes! (oh, and if you’re a potential transcriber, be aware that the memes aren’t part of the test!)

Speaker: Thank you for scheduling your colonoscopy at our world-famous Gastroenterology Clinic, where our motto is, “You do the prep and we do the schlep.” Your procedure is scheduled for this Wednesday, the 30th of November, at eleven o’clock.

Now, three days before your colonoscopy, please head over to the nearest grocery store and stock up on clear liquids like white grape juice, chicken broth, and Gatorade. Before one of you wisenheimers asks, no, vodka does NOT count as a clear liquid! I mean, okay, yes, it is a liquid and it is clear. However, 9 out of 10 times, it dries you out and fogs your brain. That’s all we need around here is some addlepated patient demanding a colonoscopy in a drunken rage! We’ve got lives of our own, you know!!

Sorry about that little rant! Guess I got a little carried away. Anyway, the bottom line on your bottom prep is, no booze and no fiber. The point of the prep is to clean out your innards so’s we can stick a little camera inside and see what’s what. You never know what or who might be floating around inside a large intestine. Anyone who’s read Verne’s Fantastic Voyage knows what I’m talking about, although granted they were in a much less disgusting part of the anatomy.

Back to the prep instructions! The day before your colonoscopy, or as the kids today call it, your hamstercam, you need to drink gobs and gobs of water and other liquids mixed with MiraLAX and Dulcolax, and just let everything kinda flow back out into the universe, to put it euphemistically. Different gastroenterologists’ll have different versions of the instructions, but basically you’ll be drinking around 1,500 gallons of liquid before you’re done.

Okay, okay, that might be an exaggeration, but it’ll sure feel that way, trust me! Anyway, you’re not supposed to eat anything solid at all, not even Marshmallow Peeps, and that’s a shame because now they come in a buttload of flavors. [chuckles] That was a little joke, there. Sorry if I offended your delicate sensibilities, Mabel, or whatever your name is.

No worries, you’re in good hands here at Famous Gastro. We’ll get you through this embarrassing day with a minimum of jokes and a maximum of compassion, and by the time the weekend rolls around, you can drink all the vodka you want, even Idaho’s favorite, Spudka, if you’re really into potatoes.

So there ya go, and now you understand just how tough it is for those poor would-be transcribers! But they’ll be okay. And so will I, in just a few days, once I get all this out of my system!

See ya next week!

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